A Pastoral Response and Counsel to Marital Unfaithfulness.
Four days later, Maureen (my wife) and I got wind of the ‘Room 18 Escapade’ trending on social media. It made for sad reading, watching, and listening.
The video, posts, and comments on social media revealed that a large man and another man's wife were having an affair at an unnamed lodge in room 18. While in there, the husband to the lady was tipped, or rather, according to the claim in the video, he read about the intended meeting on a cloned WhatsApp and decided to follow through. Upon storming the room, he found the two in a compromised state (though not videoed). The raging husband then took a video of the two on his phone. Typically, one would expect the husband to engage in physical violence with the couple, but thankfully, he held back, and nothing of that kind occurred.
Regardless of the circumstances, this is a disheartening development for the households in question, their families, and indeed the entire marriage institute's credibility and moral integrity in Zambia. We have all felt the effects to some extent. Therefore, in this pastoral response and counsel, our motivation is first and foremost reconciliation and restoration for the wounded couples to the glory of God. Secondly, we urge the rest of us on the terraces to exercise caution and admonition to maintain the credibility and integrity of the Zambian home.
The most unfortunate aspect of this situation is not the actions of the characters in the 'Room 18 escapade', but rather the overwhelming condemnation, mockery, humiliation, and shame that the majority of social media viewers and followers are expressing. In derogative terms, some have even gone to the extent of producing ads and promos. It's like taking a selfie at an accident scene with dead and mutilated bodies all over the place.
However, since no one has a complete account of the exact sin committed or the current and future status of the two couples, it would be beneficial for all of us to exercise caution in our analysis and comments. Remember, a video always communicates the photographer’s perspective. Therefore, although we all suspect an act of 'disqualifying sin’ in Room 18, our goal must be to bring wellness and not distraction to the two homes.
Food for thought! We know that many Christians would rather relish a punitive reaction to this escapade. In fact, for some, at the end of this reading, they will not be happy with us; that's okay. However, Jesus’ attitude should be most desired. Listen, in a similar incident two thousand years ago, a group of Pharisees caught a woman red-handed in an act of adultery. They then brought her (without the big man) to Jesus with a predetermined verdict and execution-style by stoning. Contrary to their expectations, Jesus asked one thing: “Whoever has never committed one sin, let him cast the first stone!”. In dismay and guilty as charged, the crowd scampered in different directions to nurse their undisclosed private sins. Common sense, they all feared to linger longer, lest he publicly mentions them. Our loving Lord Jesus then forgave the woman, cautioned her, and let her go free. Great lesson right there.
Laughing, mocking, jeering, and gleefully discussing our friends' depravity on social media is akin to casting our own many stones. We act as if we are the most righteous, even though we are just as guilty as the very condemnation we are hurling at others. The size of the stones we throw is actually a measure of our own depravity. As the Bemba saying goes, "Bakolwe basekana ifipato (Baboons laugh at each other's backside)." Generally, when individuals exhibit a resentful attitude towards their friends' transgressions, it often indicates that they have not yet confronted the repercussions of their personal sins. If you have personally experienced or simply understand the impact of shame on a person, their children, and their family, you likely care deeply!
While the woman and the big man may be wrong (we say that carefully because we have no tangible evidence to stand on), we find the husband equally wrong (we understand he has been hurting) for filming and posting on social media. For goodness sake, this is your spouse. It was to them that he vowed, "For better or for worse." As painful as this may be, the worst is yet to come. Regardless of how sinful your spouse may be, taking a video and posting it on social media is regrettable.
The big man, however his explanation may be, carries a lot of blame and has serious issues to sort out. We can only wish he was not married; otherwise, his fires with his wife, home, and family are equally volcanic. Fortunately, unless the wife decides to be irresponsible, we will never meet her, and the two will likely resolve their issues behind closed doors. We are sure he will do everything possible to protect his home from social media shame. However, if he is to buy his freedom, no matter how embarrassing the experience may be, knowing that matters are before a hurting community, taking the necessary steps to apologize to the lady and her husband will be the most soothing and honorable thing to do.
If, at all, it is proven that sexual sin is indeed the case, we feel sorry for our sister. Especially since her linen was posted on social media. However, if she genuinely calls on the Lord, he will answer her, for he knows she needs help, not condemnation. Therefore, we all do well to encourage her to go back home to her husband and seek his forgiveness. If the husband forgives and embraces her, he will be the most blessed.
Our detective husband and brother, while we appreciate the informants’ detailed information necessary to bring an end to this escapade, the use of it has left an unpalatable clog in our throats. It is difficult to imagine a husband filming his wife in the middle of a burning bush. That act, in and of itself, challenges the very office of 'husband' with all its attributes. Surely, however sinful your wife may be, she still deserves your protection from all enemies, especially the shame that comes with social media. We guess even our brother needs help to put his home back in order. Before dealing with his wife’s acclaimed moral failure, he too must consider apologizing for his failure to protect and provide for her emotionally.
What, then, is the way forward?
First, you should refrain from choosing to divorce your spouse. Taking advice from social media can prove to be an even more detrimental mistake. Perpetuating the wife's shame in front of the family is a recipe for more tsunamis. And developing an indifferent attitude towards the children is a no-go area.
Second, pursue reconciliation as your primary goal, regardless of how filthy this incident may be. Though bruised, healing is possible. Despite the pain, it is time to take the walk of shame together. There is nothing so glorious as forgiveness and reconciliation, which shame the devil and all other enemies. In the process, seek pastoral counsel as early as possible.
What about the rest of the social media viewing fraternity, as well as the nation at large?
Instead of wasting precious time laughing, mocking, joking, and gossiping about each other, let's learn from each other's failures. The sole distinction from the majority is that your sins remain hidden. For others, your sin is in another area that only your conscience, the devil, and God know better. For the rest, take heed; none is immune to failure. You may be laughing today, but tomorrow you may be next on the devil’s hit list. Participate in healing others, rather than bruising them further.
Let us end here. Dear wounded couples, married and soon-to-be married individuals in Zambia, the struggle to protect your family and marriage from various enemies and intruders is constant; adopt a militant mindset! The 'Room 18 escapade' is just a brief glimpse of what lies ahead of us when we drop our guard. Therefore, like these dear friends in question, whenever you are wounded, choose to rebuild your home and not to further destroy it. Keep in mind that your real enemy is not your spouse; he or she is just a fellow victim on the battlefront defending your marriage.
Never lose hope; you have a capable God who looks out for you. Just cry out to him in genuine repentance, and you'll be amazed at the beauty he will bring out of these ashes.
